April 30
February 20
I had a strange dream last night. I was lying there on my friend's floor quietly, and everything kind of turned into a dream and I was not there anymore. I was watching my life from the outside and I was not an active player in it. Everything seemed very strange and unfamiliar, like I didn't know myself. I couldn't believe that I was in college and that I was in this room with these people who[m] it seemed I didn't even know. There they were, my friends, sitting there having their normal conversation. And I remember thinking, who are these people? I have known them only for five months, maybe less, and they seem to know each other so well. How can that be? I looked at the door and pictured myself leaving the room and walking down the hall and down the stairs to my own room and I couldn't believe that I live here. This is actually very hard for me to describe for some reason and I don't know if I can do it effectively.
I thought to myself, what am I doing here? Not just at college but living at all and where is my life going and all that stuff. Of course, I didn't come to any conclusions. But I remember thinking that I can't really call it home here just because I haven't been here long enough and I don't know people well enough. On the other hand, my former life doesn't exist anymore either. Not as I know it anyway. Sure, I have my family and my best friends who[m] I talk to all the time and my house to go home to. But life as I knew it a year ago, five years ago, is over forever. When I go home I feel like I am on vacation, but at school I don't really feel like I'm at home, so where is home now? I'm not really sure and that makes me sad in a way. In a way it is also exciting, though. I have never before had opportunities like I do now. I have always complained of living in a boring place with nothing to do and the same stuff going on all the time. It is not like that anymore and for that I am grateful, I suppose.
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March 1
This past weekend I went skiing at Sugarbush with my family and one of my best friends from home. We both had reading to do over they weekend and last night we finally sat down to do it. She opened a large history book and began to read. This made me wonder, why do we study history, anyway? What is the point? Some of it I can understand, like the formation and development of certain ideas and concepts over time, but why all the pointless memorization of dates and events? Can the title and date of a treaty that ended WWI really make any difference today? And who cares if it was Eli Whitney or someone else who invented the cotton gin? Does any of that really affect our lives now? History…why are we so concerned with specific details from the past? And it is only the recent past. We don't have the ability to specifically date events that occurred long ago in geologic time and we are no worse off for that.
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March 31
Since I've been here at college I have noticed that I seem to be living two separate lives, and I have written about it before. But it was so apparent today as I was sitting at a picnic table eating my lunch. I stopped at a New York Thruway rest stop and took a break to eat my lunch. I finished my sandwich and I sat facing the traffic and just relaxed and thought for a while. It occurred to me that the cars headed south were going toward my home in New Jersey and my friends and my family and my relatives there and all the other familiar things that I have known all my life. And the cars going north were headed in the direction of my other, newer life at Middlebury College. The road served as the medium by which I make the transition from one life to the other&emdash;the time machine, if you will. However, it's not like traveling through time, which is the most amazing part; both worlds are in existence simultaneously. But it does not seem like the two have anything in common. No one here knows my family of knows anything about my background aside from what I chose to tell them. No one at home really knows my friends here or what I do from day to day. Sure, I tell them what goes on but they can't really comprehend life at Middlebury. It's very strange and I can't integrate the two. When I am at home and I think about going back to school it doesn't seem real and it is so far away&emdash;like another world that I know from a movie or something&emdash;not from experience. But when I am here and I am on the phone with people from home, Middlebury is the main world and the other is the fuzzy one&emdash;I can't imagine myself there. The ultimate strange experience was when a friend from home came here to visit. He just looked so out of place here with these people that have only known me for a few months. Something seemed wrong. In wonder if it will be like this throughout my four years here or if the worlds will somehow merge or at least become less rigidly defined.
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April 4
Tonight I watched the sunset. It was amazing as usual&emdash;I have yet to be disappointed by a sunset and I don't think I ever will be. Actually, sunsets and sunrises&emdash;anything having to do with the sun, come to think of it&emdash;are somewhat of a religious experience for me. I think that the importance and meaning lies in the fact that the sun is always there and it is so dependable. The sun will never fail to show up one day. Imagine what would happen if it did, though&emdash;there would be chaos on Earth. Not just because of the darkness&emdash;that I think we could handle&emdash;but because the dependable sun didn't show up. Wouldn't that be a funny prank for Mother Nature to pull on us? I can't even compare it to an eclipse because we can predict those and they are no surprise. I sat there in the woods watching the sun set and I thought to myself how I might react if it just began to rise again. I pictured it dipping just below the horizon and popping back up. Man, what news stories that would make. But not to the animals&emdash;just to us.
I had some more thoughts as I made my way into the woods. The woods I speak of are Ridgeline Woods behind the tennis courts and Proctor Hall. To get there I have to walk through the cemetery. Usually I follow the road around the perimeter and avoid walking on the grass between the tombstones, out of respect or something, I suppose. But today I decided to walk right through; I didn't think they would mind. I looked at the stones as I passed. The oldest I could find marked the grave of a man born in 1854. Wow, that's BEFORE THE CIVIL WAR, I thought. That amazed me for some reason. As I looked at the other stones, it occurred to me that there were people underneath. People who once had lives and knew other people and had feelings and emotions and stuff. And they also had secrets. Not like classified military secrets or anything, just personal little things that they never bothered to tell anyone. It amazed me that these people were buried with secrets that no one will ever know, no matter what. It made me think about my own secrets and the little things that I have never told anybody. If I died tomorrow, no one would ever know no matter what.
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April 7
A month of college left. Unbelievable. The year definitely flew by but the beginning seems so long ago. I remember the first day so clearly: I packed the car with my family and one on my friends the day before and then we were off to Vermont, in two separate cars. My mom rode with me for the first half of the journey and then my brother for the second half. They both wanted to get their last words in and spend their final moments with me. It was like I was going to the chair or something. We arrived here and had to ask for directions to security where I picked up my key and was bombarded with more numbers than I thought I could ever remember (now I know them like my birthday) and we were off to the dorm. I was on the verge of tears when I walked into my room. Having arrived first I had the pleasure of seeing the bare walls and cold, empty floor. My mom said something like, " Maybe it will look better when you get used to it," and my dad and my brother were speechless. I pushed on bravely and directed the unloading of all of my stuff from the cars. We worked all day on setting up my room, and I felt an eerie sense of foreboding&emdash;like I knew that no matter what I did, the next twenty-four hours would go by just as fast and I would be on my own. I spent the night in the hotel with my family and again it felt like I was waiting to be executed: I knew my time with them was limited. The next was a blur: met my roommate, went shopping for supplies, attended the president's lunch, said goodbye to my family, and met with my MOO group. The actual goodbye was pretty hard&emdash;we were in my room alone and I hugged my mom, dad, and brother individually and then they walked out. I could see that my dad had tears in his eyes but my mom was playing it tough. I have never felt more empty or alone than that moment when they walked out of the room.
I recently found out that I am going to lead a MOO trip next year. I have chosen a major, and have my hopes set on getting a block with four of my friends. Not to mention four thousand other memories and experiences that have taken place in my time here. Hmm…retrospect is a weird thing.
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April 10
I can't believe I haven't written about this yet because it's actually something I've been thinking so much about recently. This summer, actually two or three days after I get home from Middlebury, I am going on a road trip with my two best friends. We are going out west without any significant plan (actually without any plan at all). We have some idea that we want to go to Wyoming, Colorado, Utah, Arizona, etc., but nothing definite. Just going to drive until we feel like stopping and hang out and explore and stay until we feel like moving on (or until June 15th anyway). This idea was originated last summer, about a week before we left for college. Chris and Dara, my best friends (who also happen to be together) were at my boat for the weekend. We had a great time as usual and we bonded probably more than ever but we were depressed at the same time. It's not that we thought our friendships would not last because I certainly didn't think that, but it felt like something was coming to an end. I guess something did come to an end&emdash;that whole high school-small town-small perspective era of my life in which the only things I knew, for the most part, were right there under my nose. Anyway, we fantasized about this abstract idea of a roadtrip kind of as a way to combat our depression. We imagined how great it would be to finish a year of college and emerge, still best friends, and travel across the country for a month. It was very idyllic but, to all of us, I think, seemed more than just far away&emdash;it seemed almost like wishful thinking. There must have been doubts in our minds not only about this grand ides but also about the state of our friendship after a year of college. Well, we never let the idea die. We talked and fantasized about it from the on and it eventually, somehow, became a reality. We now have a date set and summer plans based around a month away. But more than that, I am now convinced, more than ever, that we will be friends for a long, long time. This makes me happy.
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April 14
I never thought that I would say this, but I am sick of the snow and the cold and winter and basically everything. In years past, while I have always enjoyed the onset of spring, I was never bothered if it arrived late, if the groundhog saw his little shadow and scampered right back into his proverbial hole. But this year is different. I really enjoyed my first full Vermont winter but now it's not time for winter anymore. The snow last weekend and the cold and gloom over the weekend were very depressing. All I could think of was relaxing in the sun and swimming and hanging out outside comfortably for extended periods of time. That made me think about being home&emdash;I guess because that is where my images of warmth and summer come from for the most part. I got the sensation that I really wanted to go home. I felt sick of my dorm and everyone's quirky personality traits that I have had to live with for the past seven months&emdash;my roommate's incessant messiness and disregard for my CDs that he just leaves haphazardly strewn about the room, my next door neighbor's constant blasting of bass-loaded rap that permeates through the cell-like bland and cold brick walls (bitter? maybe a little). I'm kinda sick of doing the work, too, and I don't feel like doing the rest of what has to be done. I guess I just have to tell myself that it will all be over in less that a month. Sorry…this has been nothing but a bitching session. Well, too bad!
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April 22
"It was a warm, sunny morning just like this one 19 years ago…" I hear those words, or a variation of them, every year on April 22, my birthday. This time it was via e-mail, but my mom didn't fail to remind me that I was born on a morning "just like this one' and that made me feel very good. Not that it was a warm spring morning, but than my mom always remembers to keep that in mind and make it known to me. I love my mom&emdash;I know, all kids love their mothers, but I think she is a lot like me and we have much in common. Even though we don't talk about everything in my life or have daily deep conversations, I feel that we really connect and know each other very well. We share the philosophy that a little kindness goes a long way and sometimes just smiling makes other people smile. So I try to smile whenever I can. Back to my birthday…Even though I don't feel older in any way, I feel important today for some reason. I feel like people are looking at me, whether they know me or not, and they are thinking, "Wow, it's his birthday." I am aware, of course, that this is ridiculous and is not true, but nevertheless, I feel like this is my special day. And that makes me smile.
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April 24
I got a birthday present in the mail today from my best friend. It was addressed to "sven margenhosen." In the box were many random items: a big blue piggy bank with "pig" painted on the back, corn skewers, small plastic instruments, a looping crazy straw, sugar cubes, rubber wrestling characters, and a bunch of other stuff. All was wrapped in toilet paper and lots of tape so that it was hard to unwrap. I got to one round object and continued to pull away paper until there was nothing left&emdash;and nothing inside. Heehee. There was another similarly shaped object and I figured he did the same thing so I groped and prodded and it felt like nothing. I figured I'd unwrap it quickly so I set it out on my bed and pulled the end of the toilet paper and whipped off the layers. A cranberry muffin was instantly scattered bout my bed (at least I think it was cranberry&emdash;it was badly squashed from the prodding). I laughed and then cleaned it up.
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April 25
It was very strange to wake up this morning to snow. It's amazing how different weather can change your whole outlook on life. Just last night, even though it was raining, I was wearing shorts that frolicking in the rain, sure that spring had finally arrived. I had a feeling that school is almost over for the year, summer is fast approaching, days of long light are here. The smell of spring was in the humid and wet air and that make me feel sort of carefree and make me see the light at the end of the tunnel of my first year of college. This morning that all changed. Not only the obvious changes&emdash;I didn't wear shorts and it certainly didn't smell like spring, but more far-reaching ones. I don't feel as carefree, happy, excited, energized, or ready for the end of the school year. It seems like we have months left and it has not even begun to change from winter into spring yet. It seems like it should be getting dark at 4 or 5 o'clock and I should be drinking hot cider or hot chocolate. It makes me forget that it is Earth Week and that there in an all-campus sleepout scheduled for this weekend, and that band will be playing outside all day today. I suppose it is all related to the mind/image thing. We are used to feeling a certain way in the winter when the weather is a certain way and we do certain things. This feeling is very different from that of spring for many reasons. I also suppose that this one of the things I love so much about Vermont&emdash;the unpredictability.
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April 28
Okay, so this is the last week of journal entries. That's pretty cool in itself (while I enjoyed the process, I'm kinda sick of it) but it's indicative of much greater things to come…summer and all it brings. I know that I will especially appreciate summer this year after my first year of college because I miss my friends and just being at home, which I didn't really think would happen. I have found my niche here, I think, but I'm definitely ready for a break. I am amazed that some of my friends here are spending the summer here because they don't want to go home or they really have nothing to go home to. I feel sorry for them, even though I know they don't necessarily feel sorry for themselves and there's no need to. I can't imagine not wanting to go home and spend time with my friends and family and just be in that familiar setting that I have longed for off and on over the past year. I guess that's just me. Anyhow, I'm glad this is the last week of journal entries for many reasons.
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April 30
All humans dream during sleep. Whether we are aware of out dreams or remember them in the morning is questionable, but it is a proven fact that all humans dream. It also cannot be argued that when we dream, at least sometimes, the dream seems real and indistinguishable from reality. During such a dream, we do not feel detached or out of place with out "usual" world because, for the time being, the dream world becomes reality and we know no other existence. Furthermore, it is possible to doze off for five minutes and have a dream that seems to span a much longer time period, maybe a day or a month. In other words, a dream that seems to incorporate a week certainly does not require a week of time as we know it. Since dreams are not restricted by traditional "time," would it not be possible for a dream to take up no time at all? Having established dreams as indistinguishable from reality and independent of time, I propose the possibility that life as we know it is a dream and that time does not exist at all. If this be the case, the dream must be taking place in one single mind, for an integrated totality would not be possible otherwise.
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